(editor’s note: a letter of gratitude from mom, Babette, to Linda)
I’m sorry for taking so long to write. But, you must know that the changes that have taken place in my life have been amazing. Naming my baby, making his life real and important has been a blessing I cannot describe. I think of it a little bit like a circle. For most of my life I’ve been living that circle over and over again in a way that it would never close. I could not hate myself enough. I could not damage myself enough. There is no way I could count the times I made choices that absolutely nearly drove me to suicide because of the hurt and pain it caused me. Women from families that abuse them emotionally and physically are creating a person that walks through life trying anything to erase that trauma, drama and pain they never deserved. And then you are finally old enough to get out, but you take all the damage with you. You have no boundaries with men, because any time a man looks at you, you grab it like a hungry animal because you think you are finally able to feed that never ending hunger of approval and acceptance. That is the saddest of all lies, but I believe unless women have someone come to them and lead them to the truth of their worth and the love of Jesus Christ, that this pattern can go with them to the grave.
I’ve shared my story a few times and every time I do, the Holy Spirit makes something wonderful happen. I know there is a ministry for me in this but God has not fully revealed what it is. I have been encouraged to give my testimony at a church I used to go to when I was in Celebrate Recovery to try and break my addiction to abusive men. I did but it took me 2 years. I moved to Savannah to be with a man who was beyond cruel. After 4 years I finally told my son and God led him to have an intervention with me. He told me he could not be in a relationship with me knowing I was being treated so cruelly. He also told me the man was going to kill me, either through stress or literally. It took me a while because I was so brain washed but I did leave. This sounds strange but I actually celebrate that man. He is the LAST man that will ever mistreat me!! Thank you God for saving me and giving me that wonderful wise and loving son! Anyway, going back there to give my testimony would be so wonderful. I have a problem – 2 actually. I cry so much I am not sure I could get through. Also, speaking in front of people has been something that has always terrified me. I can be very shy. Emra is going to help me with this. This will be a truly supernatural event for me.
Linda, at church yesterday there was a video of Paula from the Living Vine telling her story. It was MY story! I called her today and we are going to meet and talk. I think this is maybe where God is leading me but that is still to be revealed. We are almost the same age and the parallels of her story and mine took my breath away.
But I digressed from my circle part of the story. My circle with my baby was almost closed but there was a small piece that was missing and it wouldn’t quite close. I lived years of shame and pain and self hatred. I allowed abuse because I was sure I deserved it. I finally came to understand the enormity of the cruelty of abortion. I had to be punished for being a murderer. My group listened and helped me see the lies. Then I came back to Jesus Christ 5 years ago and found my perfect daddy that loved me and would never hurt me. I came to see how much I hurt Him when I let men hurt me.
Then, I went to Real Time and heard of a ministry for women that helped them with their pain over losses of babies that were never born that desperately needed to be named and honored and claimed as their sweet little stories and lives matter as much of those of us that have lived. The healing power of that supernatural act is beyond description as so many things with God are. We don’t have the power of words to say what we need to say. So my circle has closed. There are still tears but they are tears of disbelief that I am so blessed. I will help women with this heart ache. I will see my baby in heaven. I will not allow abuse in my life ever again. And I am loved and the daughter of a King..
My final words in this letter…thank you for your ministry. Thank you for giving women like me a gift of unspeakable joy. That you for having Emra intercede on your behalf. Having her there that day made it that much more wonderful. And thank you on behalf of women who’s lives have been and will be forever blessed and changed by this ministry.
I love you so much!
Your Sister in Christ,